Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The weight of options

I get weighed down by the endless options in today's world. Kind of like a computer running too many processes. They start piling up and I get slower and slower until I ultimately just freeze up or mentally shut down.

I feel like I was a more productive, caring, and overall better person when I was younger. And then I started to acquire things and they took up my time. Or at least my thoughts. And then if someone asked me to help them with something I would always be a little upset about how I had things of my own to be working on or doing, but I probably wouldn't be doing them anyway. I didn't have that problem before I had things.

How much of that is from things, and how much of that is simply from living, things not going the way you expected, and a lost focus?


I have a lot of options. A lack of money, but I am debt free and have options. Each option has a handful of really great pros and really bad cons. I get bogged down. I freeze, and shut down.

A few years ago I bought a really neat 1962 travel trailer. The picture above shows it at my campsite in Altoona, IA where I worked the summer of 2011 at Adventureland Amusement Park. When I bought it I never planned on living in it. It was going to be a weekend adventure camper. But I did live in it. Two times. Once for a two month stint in Coffeyville, KS when I worked for Amazon and then for the 3 or 4 months that I worked at Adventureland. It worked out fine. Both campsites had public bathrooms and showers that I used. I didn't really like towing it, though it was easy to tow. I just didn't like STOPPING because I didn't have any 12v lights or anything setup for on the road. It was pretty much a 'plugged in at the campsite' trailer. To be easily remedied but at the time my sole intention was to go from place to place and stay parked when I got there. So that's an option, I still have the trailer.

The van, of course, is an option. But I still have interior building to do, and it's feeling smaller all the time. I consider the van more of the ultimate mobile vision, where I'm traveling more than parking or working. I like the idea of being able to drive away in the middle of the night without ever getting out, and being able to keep my cats in the same area as me when in motion.

I could always just stay put. Keep working where I'm working. I am in the process of being 'promoted', afterall. Being trained on new things. But ultimately a dead end job that doesn't make enough money. Maybe if I saved, and stopped driving the van, or started living in the van near work, then I could actually do something eventually.

I exhaust myself and frustrate myself with posts like this. I reach a point where I have lots more to say but no more desire to say it, or sort it out. I do posts like this elsewhere in more private settings and I've tried to keep them away from here. But as the ultimate goal of this blog, to get on the road and write about it, keeps seeming further away than it was before I need posts like this to fill the void.

Most people say they will do this, and they do it. I did that with the trailer, twice. Maybe I need to shake up my ideas and plans again. Readjust. Or maybe I just need to get it done. I have no deadline here where I'm at. An indefinite free pass. I had deadlines with the trailer, set times to leave my situation.

- Your circular thinking friend, drivebyandy.

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