Thursday, February 28, 2013

Random Thoughts / A bit more personal than usual

I want to do the van plan. I want to travel the country and see new places. I want to feel happy, and like I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing in life.

As cliche as it is, I think I was at my happiest during my junior and senior years of high school. I had my own style, my own personality, and I had great confidence in who I was and where I was going. A few years after graduating my style and personality melted away. My confidence slowly eroded until my business and my life fell apart. This was years ago, and yet I still feel like I'm just drifting in limbo and don't have much of a purpose.

In high school I knew everyone and everyone knew me. When I share this next bit I usually get harassed forever about it, but I was even the homecoming king. Haha. But I wasn't necessarily really close to anyone. I barely ever hung out with people after school. It worked for me. I like being known and knowing people, but keeping them at a distance. I don't know how to do that in the real world, after high school. It's been 10 years, and I still haven't figured it out.

So I wonder how living in a van and traveling would REALLY work out. Especially if I'm not going from job to job that forces me to meet and interact with people. Would I eventually just stay in my van? Seek out isolated and remote areas and keep to myself? I've met wonderful people in my two previous workamping situations. The best ones were from working at Amazon. They still encourage me often to get back out on the road. I greatly enjoyed my experiences in Kansas and Iowa, and they were mundane in comparison to what I think I could actually experience if I were to make a real 100% go at vandwelling / rubber tramping / vagabonding / gypsying / creepy van driver.

Of course, other than the uncertainty of how my personality would truly fair out on the road, there's the simple fact that a part of me wishes to be settled again. Just everything in its place, order to be made and kept, and a little life to be carved. A place all setup to work on cars, or fix bicycles, or grow a garden, or so many different things.

I know that I can always settle. I might not always be able to travel. And while it seems easy to just pack up some things and go, actually going definitely is not that easy for me. So I try to keep that in my mind to stay motivated and moving forward. I can always settle, that's not the hard part. If I travel I can always come back. Years later and I'm still trying to part with STUFF that I acquired in my previous life. Mental and emotional attachments and just plan not wanting to sit down and deal with all of my junk. That's probably another reason why settling again looks so good. I could just move my junk somewhere new instead of actually dealing with it.

There's also a big part of me that is attracted to hippie / bohemian lifestyles. I don't know. I guess I wish I could just break free of my upbringing and the last 27 years of my life and just try to be someone else. Someone that I think I might actually be deep down, but don't know how to release and BE. I'm sure a mental picture of a cute blonde hippie girl to guide me factors in there somewhere too, but that's probably another daydream far from reality.

Anyway, I'm still slowly trying to get on the road. It's getting harder to stay focused and progress is down to a very slow crawl. So.. Yeah.


  1. aaawe. keep your chin up. you'll figure it out. i'm ten years older than you and im still not settled in the way you talk about. sometimes i think it would be nice but when i try to figure out what that would look like i can't really see it. not yet anyway. that's why i'm going because i want to experience my life and be fulfilled in a way that im not right now. i believe i will find my answers on the road. im also pretty introverted but a 3 year old doesn't really allow for that, so i find myself in social situations i wouldn't otherwise have been in quite often. but, i think it's one of those things where you need to just decide you're gonna do it or not do it. if you sit around thinking about it too much and getting in your own head it's too easy to get discouraged or find reasons why it won't work. don't do that to yourself. if you think you can't do it then you won't do it.

    1. Even when I was settled, I wasn't settled in the way I talk about. I'm not organized or disciplined enough. Oh well.